Great weekend for action this week, and I don't just mean the auburn stunner I pulled in the local this weekend.

"Did you take her up 'The Harse' " I hear you cry? Maybe next time, this one could handle her brandy. But watch this space sportsfans....

First up a great result for Dynamo Leprosy to move out the relegation spot for the first time this season.

After a run of hideous rotting flesh injuries decimating manager Dr Ernst Kappel's first  team, new sufferer Alan Bradshaw popped up like a teenage erection in the 85th minute to slot his shot past the Smuggler's keeper, One Eyed John Harris. Although Alan lost a foot during celebrations following the goal, the fans streamed happily out the ground at the final whistle like loose diahorrea.

Next up a thorough seeing to for Mother Kelly's Ringpiece.

In fact the last time I saw such a one sided beating was when Big Calum Brown went down unconscious during a fight with that Russian trawler crew a couple of weeks back after closing time.

It was nice to see the choirboys give out a good pumping, as they've been on the recieving end so many times. Pick of the goals was the 48th minute screamer by Peter Aquinas, a fine overhead bicycle kick which led to him being removed from play after bursting his rectal stitches on landing.  Right Up the Choirboys !!

Happy to report a surprise win for The Harse this week too, overcoming a depleted Haversack Hall side many of whom were attending the Funeral of Lord Strathcarnage. In fact , truth be told, the team from the Hall didn't field a single player.

Even still, The Harse did well to score their three well taken efforts, the only reply coming from an own goal by ever erratic defender Mad Tommy Clancy. The Harse side were reduced to 9 men after two sendings off, with Mad Tommy involved again.  He's appealing the decision so may play next week if they can remove the corner flag from the linesman without any further internal damage.

A heated game between the boys from the Crematorium and the Borstal lads this week. 18 sent off, the referee blinded in one eye and 8 members of the crowd in intensive care. A wonderful, if terrifying, game of football, one for the real enthusiast.

The Borstal Boys went two nil up courtesy of some strongarm tactics for their forwards, although I'm pleased to report that the goalkeepers family have now been recovered. Crematorium fought back bravely in the face of a murderous defence led by the Borstal captain, Cheesewire Mercer, but even armed with his garotte he couldn't prevent Moses O'Flannigan, their West Indian target man from slotting home what proved to be the winner.

Finally the Sunday afternoon game saw Ruptured Horse gallop all over a weak Pubic Modellers select.

The Modellers put up a brave showing, but even the team's loyal clot of fans couldn't have held out much hope when the team sheet revealed the debut of wheelchair bound goalkeeper Rupert Harryman.

Rupert played well in the first half, but as his batteries failed midway through the second, he remained merely a spectator for three of the four goals, although his saving of a penalty with a swung callipered leg saved the score from being an even greater embarassment.