This weeks winner is Mrs Agnes Inception, who wins a family ticket for a day out to the Serial Killers Theme Park, and a free fecal fortune reading.
***We would also like to apologise to all who entered last weeks "Spot The Difference" competition. Unfortunately, owing to an technical incident at the printers involving a spillage of a leather gourd of discharged semen, the competition was declared null and void. We will however be back next week. Apologies to all who entered. Especially Mr Willard Humby who noticed the error and sent in a detailed entry detailling 2614 mistakes.
Strathcarnage Elderly Ladies Guild will be hosting a punk rock 30th Anniversery Coffee Morning to raise funds for the ladies forthcoming excursion into pornographic moviemaking.
The event will be held in the Church Hall, beginning at 11 AM sharp with Agnes Twinesmear recreating The Exploited's "Beat The Bastards" on Botempi Organ.
Agnes will be joined in her recital by Nan Summers on spoons.
Come watch Agnes Twinesmear recreate those heady days of punk using only her carefull fingered organ !
There will then follow a spitting competition, a glue sniffing masterclass and a sponsored cider drinking and projectile vomiting event. Admission £5. All welcome.
Following complaints, The Strathcarnage Sea Scouts Treasure Hunt in the local graveyard has been cancelled. Please return all spaces and sacks to Commodore Twee for a full refund.
Congratulations to Mrs Irene Colufax on her recent 100th Birthday celebrations. Irene, who's still on 80 untipped a day, puts her longevity down to being miserable and constantly berating staff in her nursing home for sloth and poor personal hygene.
This weeks recipe has been kindly sent to us by Dr Grubowski of Grubowski and Kram Dental surgery. 
Ingredients :
- 2 large pieces of coal (washed). A handful of nutty slack will do as a substitute.
- 2 generous handfuls of pearl gravel
- 150g self raising flour
- 1 egg
- 100g Brown Sugar
- 50g unsalted butter
- 1 bottle of Scotch Whisky
- 1 phone
Seive the flour into a mixing bowl and gradually mix in the softened butter and eggs. Once the mixture is the consistancy of mucus, lay aside. Roll the coal inside a teatowel and smash violently with a rolling pin, being careful not to pierce nearby children with flying shards. Add smashed coal to the mixture, then add gravel to taste. Finally, add the sugar and beat the mixture like a retarded stepchild. Pour the mixture into a greased baking tray and place into a preheated oven at 200 degrees and bake for 35 mins. Open whisky. Pour into a long glass. Drink. Pour fresh glass. Remove mixture from oven, allow to cool, then cut into squares. Devour with greedy pleasure.
Collect larger shards of broken teeth and rinse mouth with whisky. Once eyes clear, locate phone and immediately dial Mr Grubowski's surgery on Strathcarnage 465783 and ask for emergency reconstruction appointment.
Next Week : A tasty recipie for Dolphin Consomme, the perfect way to dispose of those clumsy big beasts caught in the village's illegal drift nets.
