Strathcarnage.com - Fresh Off The Presses

Reports reach us from the bakery Intensive Care Unit that young Lena Moronikov is making good progress following her most unfortunate incident with the town marzipan machine. We will keep readers updated on her condition and keep villagers informed of her progress, and of the resheduled date of the Battenburg Record attempt.

**We would also like to take this opportunity to publish a correction regarding an error in earlier reports. Lena's parents have asked us to point out that the boiling jam coating her entire body was raspberry and not apricot as reported in earlier editions. We are happy to clear up any misunderstanding and any distress caused to the family over the mistake in flavours.

The reporter concerned has been beaten and hung.

Everyone loves a heartwarming tale with a happy ending, and so it is with delight we report the recent discovery of Mr Eric Slingback's Airedale Terrier, 'Anthony', following a routine service call by Strathcarnage Gas and Safe Heating (GASH) engineers.

Mr Slingback had been mourning the sudden disappearance of 'Anthony' for a number of years, ever since converted his home from running entirely on burning human flesh following the outcry from redundant gravediggers. Mr Ruprek of GASH was delighted to reunite the long separated pair after finding Anthony bricked in behind the fire.

As a tearful Mr Ruprek later commented to reporters "It was an utter delight to see the joy in his face after I reunited them both. Quite a moving task and something I never expected when I joined GASH. The only thing that could possibly have improved the moment was if the dog had still been alive. Or perhaps not quite so badly burnt."

Mr Slingback was unavailable for comment, following his recent suicide.

The recent election of a house spider to the Strathcarnage town council, has had our letterbox literally haemorrhaging envelopes this week. We decided to try and cauterise the flow and send a senior reporter down to the town council to investigate exactly what happened.

Extensive enquiries led us back to the town printworks, where typesetter Agnes O'Hoordigah takes up the story.

"After the unfortunate maiming of a number of candidates only days before the elections, we were forced to reprint the entire run of ballot papers, to ensure we didn't have a repeat of the 1846 election where a dead man sat as the rotting mayor for a four year term. During the rush to get the papers ready in time, we failed to notice the appearance of the crushed spider on the presses and, once the ballot print run was complete, it was too late to change things."

Profoundly ugly redhead O'Hoordigah bleats on, "We assumed people would just ignore it. We should have known better in this town, but everything was such a rush."

As a result of the error, the dead spider, now christened 'Clive' by wellwishers, was subsequently voted into the Town Council with a majority of 262.

Clive is now the Head of Planning and Acting Chair of the Town Committee on Beastiality.

Billy Potts, the truss wearing town lunatic, had some virtually unknown good fortune after being allowed an evening pass, albeit heavily sedated, to the recent Church Hall Bingo evening.

Billy remained unconcious throughout the first half of proceedings, the event held by elderly parishioners to raise funds for much needed renovations to the town brothel.

Billy eventually came round, shaken awake by a nightmare during the final Jackpot session. It is thought Billy's nightmare possibly involved personal attack, as witnesses say the local mentalist woke and immediately grabbed a selection of coloured bingo markers and began lashing out at everything around him.

During the subsequent frenzy Billy somehow managed to completely cover a bingo card, and a significant number of players sitting nearby. However, after his crazed screams were mistaken for a shout of house, the card was bizarrely proved to be a winner. Billy was then heavily sedated by a police marksman using darts and his prize awarded to a nurse at the crime scene for safekeeping.

Billy won a teasmade and a years subscription to 'Whip and Ballgag', the local fetish magazine.

Worrying news reaches us here at the Strathcarnage Porcupine that our very own recently arrested and disgraced local doctor, Cavendish 'Slasher' McCallum has been released on bail and has returned to his practice in the Sweem Street Surgery.

While we agree that McCallum should be given the benefit of the doubt until the day of his trial, much of the circumstantial evidence against the medical man is overwhelming.

His release of a video of his repeated human sacrifices of the steps of the town hall on market day, his waistcoats of human hair and his gifts of human ears to female admirers all lead to us at this newspaper taking the unprecedented step of recommending his remaining patients think twice before booking an appointment with the boss eyed fiend.

We would, however, like take this opportunity to point out that 'Slasher' McCallum remains, at the moment, an innocent man and as such, must be afforded the legal right of unbiased and fair coverage in this column.

The butchering freak.

The ongoing siege at Mrs Strain's Gusset Emporium entered its 15th week with new demands from the protesters occupying the premises.

Shortly after 11pm last night, a gentleman, believed to be the leader of the occupying group, appeared at the heavily defended shop doorway to issue a fresh set of demands via a crackling bullhorn.

The man, known only to negotiators as 'Mr Lace', renewed demands for the immediate release of a number of crotchless pant manufacturers in India, a quantity of soft toilet paper, a sponge and a VHS copy of 'Naughty Shaven Nympho Nurses 27' signed by Sticky Vicky, the film's star.

Police negotiators noted the demands and released a statement noting that 'Mr Lace' had now adopted wearing a pair of purple lace panties over his face as his disguise of choice. They refused to be drawn on whether this change from the now familiar crothless black silk headgear marked a significant point in the seige.

Following demands by local townsfolk, there will be an emergency distribution of mostly clean underwear from the church hall this Saturday afternoon. The relief consignment of pants arrived in the town harbour yesterday from the Ukraine and will be distributed on a first come first served basis.

A well known local lady of the night got more than she bargained for after a recent busy night down at the local docks last weekend.

The flange touter, who wishes to remain anonymous, takes up her amusing story with Emily Claghorn, our newest cub reporter.

"I was flashing my clunge for business around the dock when I noticed the arrival of a rusty fishing boat from Estonia. Sprinting over as fast as my leopard skin moon boots would carry me, I reached the craft in time to see a crew member being winched onto the dockside in a cargo net.

It had been a slow night, so I pitched my various services to the gentleman and showed him my laminated menu. Surprisingly at the time, the gentleman lay there on the harbourside cobbles and made no attempt to stand up and explore me internally with his rough hands, as is traditional."

"I should have known then, " admitted the ropey old brass, "that something was bound to be up."

"It was," she continued between drinks, "the first time I've had to cater for a single legged client. And I won't be making that mistake again."

But worse was to come. Literally !! The local worker then recalled her experiences in great detail to our reporter, telling how the legless man shocked her with his awful demands.

"It was unnatural."

Our strict editorial policy forbids sharing those details of sex acts too graphic for our readership, but signed charcoal drawings of a number of the more depraved episodes are available from our office in the town.

The sailor is now believed to have left the town, heartlessly sailing off on the morning tide while his partner was recieving emergency reconstructive surgery at the local hospital. To make matters worse the heartless Baltic based uniped didn't even leave a tip.

****Keep your eyes peeled in future issues for a chance to win the Estonian sailor's soiled sock, recently retrieved by gynacological staff at the hospital !!