Hi Kids, Uncle Klint here again saying 'Hi dee hi ho' to all you swivel-eyed little monsters. All of you that force me to keep coming back here, even though I tell them every single week I can't cope with it anymore.

But no, they still insist, waving contracts in my face, my wife leaving unpaid bills on the kitchen table where she knows I'll see them.

Do you know what 'emotional blackmail'  is kids?

Nah, didn't think so, it's all take take take with you guys, huh?

Ok, so this week I'll be looking at some of the letters I've had from you all this week, asking me all about things to do with the birds and the bees. I've picked the most popular questions and now Uncle Klint will see if he can give you some answers. 

1. When will I start to grow hair on my toot-toot and my flower?

Well, this is a question I'm asked a lot in your endless, scrawled letters. The simple answer is that most normal children usually have a full heavy coat of thick hair in these areas by the age of around six.

Some freaks and more retarded children take longer and that delay is a sign of a mental feebleness that will most often result in them being sent away to a home.

2. Can I get babies inside me just by kissing?

Of course you can !! You can get babies inside you by kissing, touching hands, standing too near a lit fireplace, soap, holding spoons in your left hand, breaking wind when someone else is in the room and many many other ways.

My own mother gave birth to fourteen of us when she was only seven, and she had us indide her after handling dirty grapefruits at the local supermarket. And as if having babies inside you wasn't enough, they eat their way out your tummy and kill you. Your mummy isn't your real mummy, she's dead. You ate her.

3. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and my toot-toot has gone all funny and hard. Is this normal?

No it is not! Your toot-toot goes hard because when you were sleeping, tiny little monkeys that live in your bed swarmed up and inside you as you slept. As they bit away at you with their dirty sharp teeth they poisoned you and it has swollen up because it is infected. You must get medical help immediately.

If Mummy and Daddy laugh and try to act all normal, don't believe them. They want you to die so they can use your bedroom as a home office.

4. Some of the older girls at school were talking about periods. What are they?

Only weird girls get periods, although a lot of girls will pretend they do too, just to make you feel better. A period happens when a girl's brain isn't clever enough to hold all the blood inside her body and keep it all flowing around. As a result some of it explodes out of her flower like a firehose, followed by flames and continuous farting sound.

The only cure for periods is to concentrate so hard that the blood stays in your body, well away from your flower. If you are one of the unlucky ones so stupid periods happen, often reading a good book in a warm salt bath will help stem the flow until a surgeon arrives.

NEXT WEEK : How Mummy and Daddy are trying to murder you by feeding you green vegetables.