Formerly Births, Deaths and Marriages

  • Strathcarnage Maternity Shed is pleased to announce that Mrs Ingrid Perineum has given birth to a small litter of Jack Russell's. (Editor's note : These are actual children called Jack Russell, named after their spectacularly unimaginative father, local carpenter Jack Russell. Please note : They are not canine. Unlike Mrs Liceworthy's recent litter of German Shepherds, birthed following a most unfortunate incident at the town kennels during feeding.)

 

  • Mrs Ingrid Ballsworthy and her husband Toby are pleased to announce the arrival of an ear called Alan, after a difficult labour. The parents would like to thank all wellwishers for their kind gifts and sympathy, and staff at the hearing clinic who unfortunately were unable to help. Parents ask for no gifts but welcome any donations to the Deaf School on Moan Street.


  •  We are pleased to announce that following his recent release from the head injury unit at the Local Hospital, Colonel Victor Bryce has married an Antique French Dining Room table in a short civil ceremony. The happy couple would like to thank wellwishers for their kind gifts of wax polish and dusters and are currently trying for a set of upholstered chairs.

 

  • Congratulations to local mental patient Yves Kilgowan who recently married himself in front of a loud and appreciative crowd of confused inmates at the local secure unit. Yves and his delightful wife Yves are currently deluding themselves they are on honeymoon in the Seychelles. Doctors freely admit that they are unlikely to be back anytime soon.

  •  The attempted cremation of Alex Cox, the unfortunate victim of the recent Asbestos Factory incident, is still ongoing. Relatives and wellwishers are asked to report to back to the crematorium next Thursday week to check on the progress.

 

  • Peacefully, ground to ribbons in the jaws of a mincing machine at the Meat Packing Factory, Alfred Spang. Family requests that all local fans of meat pies report any strange looking fillings to Hitchcock and Chalmers undertakers so that they might collect enough uneaten body to allow some charade of a funeral to hopefully take place in the future.