A round-up of all the latest hospital and asylum news.

 

 



Dr Heinz Messerschmidt, head of vaginal reconstruction at the hospital, would like to take this opportunity to thank  townspeople and patients who kindly continue to help raise cash   for our ongoing Horse Drawn Ambulance Appeal.

As many of you will know, following the sad loss of out last ambulance during a mercy dash on the cliffside road in the fog last winter, the residents of the town have been engaged in raising funds to replace the lost vehicle, and to import replacements for the lost horses, Stalin and Pol Pot.




Stalin and Pol Pot pulling an emergency hernia case before the accident


Dr Messerscmidt is pleased to announce that the hospital have taken delivery of the new cart this week. Unfortunately as we have still  to raise sufficient funds for the wheels and new horses, the cart is currently being carried from incident to incident by a team of sweating red faced hospital porters.  

We hope to remedy this situation soon, and the funds raised the upcoming sponsored coughing marathon being held by asthmatics in the smoking hall of The Harse pub may soon see us close on our target.  

We would also like to thank residents for the kind suggestions of alternatives to the horses, however following Old Mrs Bryce's recent stroke during her shift answering a call on the steep cliff road, we have decided to wait until suitable livestock becomes available. Thanks too for  the many suggestions for names for the new beasts, and the competition is now closed.  

Our eventual winner was Harry Holiday of class 3c with his ingenious suggestion of Cancer and Death. Your horse skeleton is in the post.

Many thanks again to all fundraisers and keep up the good work !!!

       ALL THE NEWS FROM THE THEATRES

Big week ahead this week for fans of the reconstructive repair, with Mrs Edna Bracegirdle finally making it to the table to have her big makeover. Edna is having extensive work done in Theatre 4, with Dr Hollis the man on the scalpel. Edna is hoping some improvement can be made on her teeth, and lets face it, anything will be better than that row of bombed houses that make up her smile at the minute. So good luck and we'll have a word with Dr Hollis to see if he can't have a go at the hook nose and hairy warts while you're under Edna !! Arrive early for this one, places are limited and it's bound to be popular. For those unable to attend, the show is being filmed for a forthcoming series of "Cartilage Smashers 3", the popular local medical documentary series.

Also under the knife this week is Old Billy Smedley, who is finally getting work done on those hideous grape-like piles of his. Good luck there Billy, we'll have the comfy chair ready for you.

If you wake up !! 

 Last, but not least, on the rota this week is Miss Clancy, known to many as the school music teacher. A delicate one for her this week as Dr Sheran will again attempt to remove the last of the stray violin fragments from a most personal oriface. There's still some strings left up there we hear, as well as remnants of that badly lodged bow, so it should be a good one. And yes, Miss Clancy, we all know that you fell on it coming out the bath. No, really...


Keep a close eye on the website as we'll be updating it as soon as any emergency cases come in...