News from around the Strathcarnage religious scene. Includes Reverend Whisp's unmissable thought of the week.




 

 

 

 

       

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 BUSY WEEK AROUND THE CEMETERY, SO HERE'S SOME HIGHLIGHTS NOT TO MISS!

 Tuesday 11.30am

Billy Crevice. Local lad, so should be a good one. Get there early to get a good spot at the graveside near Reverend Whisp. He's off The fags again, so it 's not to be missed.

 Tuesday 3.30 pm

Remember Anne Bryce from the Paraffin Shop on the corner of Chalice Lane?  Yes? Well where were you when the Fire Investigators had to resort to dental records? Eh? Come along anyways, no hard feelings, and make up the numbers, for Anne was abarren wombed recluse.

 Thursday 8am

Big Alex Clutch has left us. His family could do with all hands present to help them manhandle the coffin to the graveside. It's been serving as a base for the snooker table in the Ruptured Horse pub, but he's beginning to decompose.

Hitchcock and Chalmers say it took the best part of three hundredweight of pine to cover him, so it'll be an event.

 Friday 1.15pm

Chloe Tait. The first of the funerals from the Local Serial Killings. Sure to be a good media interest, so look out your best black mourning clothes.

Her father was head of Glandcrusher Catering, so should be a good spread after too. Anyone gives you any hassle, just claim you knew her from school and then cry a bit. Worth it for the Best Steak Pie in town. Mmmm.

 


Can't stop, the bookies open shortly.

What? Oh yeah, thought of the week. Let's see....

Have you ever wondered how the love of God is just like woodstain?  

Our Lord coats you liberally with his protection, using a nice soft brush, pushing his love into all those hard to reach little corners and crevices.

It doesn't matter how rotten your wood is, or how badly you've been damaged by the winds and rain of life, God keeps trying to protect you, weatherproofing you against the worst. He and his apprentice Jesus are always there, hanging around the place in overalls, with a full tin, just waiting to give you another coat.

But just as God will look after you as best he can by slapping on a coat or two, you've got to help him back. Do a bit of sanding, take of the broken edges, pull out the rusty nails. Give God a hand.

As luck would have it, (with the blessing of God's Will, obviously) we here at Strathcarnage Trinity Church have recently opened a fence painting and gardening initiative.

I mean we can't promise God himself will pop round to rattle on some Ronseal, (he's a busy man) but his loyal followers can work miracles in his name for resonable rates, to help you bring that feeling of Our Father's fresh love to life with the aid of some Holy stain and a glossy finish.  

And just like The Lord, we'll give a free estimate on the job, although our guarantee is only for a month from the completion.
 
We know Jesus is for life, but then again he wasn't dealing with such inclement weather in the Holy Land, was he?

So, come, let the specially blessed brush of Christ weatherproof your fence and garden woodwork from the sinful gales and rain of life.  Let his Holy Protective Love into the rotting corners of your life and garden.

Amen to that.

Oh and I recommend Typhoid Master in the 3.30 tomorrow.Don't put the entire collection plate on it though, that's my job.

**Please Note: Order to a mistake on the order form when I was drunk, God's Love is only available in Forest Green.